Celebrating Life, Death, Pain
She called today. Checking up on me is what she says. Or was
that the REAL reason?
The storm has passed. See the rainbow?
It has been 1 year 5 days since her husband, my father,
died. She sounds so full of life. She no longer sounded like the submissive wife
who catered to her husband’s every wish & command. She blossomed into a vibrant woman who is now
enjoying life. She told me about the trips
that the Seniors from her living facility had gone on recently. She laughed and recalled a time when she
returned to “the facility” after curfew.
I remember doing something like that as a teenager.
Mom listened while I brought her up-to-date with what has
been going on in my life .. my husband’s long hours at work, my father-in-law’s
health, a grandchild’s upcoming birthday party, and my health problems. This time of year my COPD seems to get worse
& I spend more time on my nebulizer.
Panic attacks have flared their ugly head again. Yesterday morning, out of the blue, no reason
at all, before my first cup of coffee was finished, I had another panic attack
lasting about 15 minutes in duration.
I couldn’t believe it.
Mom was actually listening to me. No voice of judgment. Or so I thought.
Then a new topic came up: How Mom spent
the anniversary of her husband’s death. One of my brothers, and my sister, took
Mom to the cemetery. Just the 3 of them. Sister setup 3 chairs. Brother pulled
out the cooler. Drinks were poured. The
3 of them raised their glasses and toasted Dad.
At first I was real happy for Mom. The past year has been a learning
experience for Mom. But then it occurred
to me. They were toasting the man who molested me as a child. They were toasting the man who took me to his
bed, my mother’s bed, and had intercourse with me. They were toasting the man
who claimed that I seduced him. They were toasting the man who begged me to
make sure that what happened in my childhood was not brought up in my divorce
proceedings. Keep the secret at all costs.
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| photo by rkramer62 flickr.com/photos/rkramer62/4100068255 |
Or maybe Mom was toasting him saying good bye. Good bye to years of verbal abuse. Good bye
to years of being denied a life of her own.
Good bye to the years of physically & emotionally taking care of
him. Suddenly I felt a deep sadness
engulf me. No one asked to include me in
this Anniversary get-together. I wondered
what the 3 of them talked about as they sipped their drinks. Did I cross their minds? Did my abuse come up
in the conversation? Was I again tossed aside? I will never know. Some things are never spoken about. That is
what happens in families and incest.
As I’m writing this, tears are filling my eyes. Pain and despair fills my chest. The child within is still, after all these years,
crying out – “Here I am. And I’m crying to be seen & heard. See my pain?
What happened to me IS NOT my fault. Why don’t you love me? Why don’t you want
me? Dad is dead, but I am still here waiting for the words from you to heal me.” Then I realize the child isn’t crying for her
mother, brother & sister. My child within is crying for her Father. Her father that will never hold her when she
is crying, will never tell her “Why!”, and will never again say “My Child, I
love you”.
Incest is so destructive to the soul. Every aspect of my life has been seared by
what happened. I’m glad my Mom can
celebrate a new chapter in her life. I just wish it included me and the child “IAMicried”.
The storm has passed. See the rainbow?
It’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.
And you are beautiful too.
© IAMicried
Visions of Rainbows
5/31/2013
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