After the Tears
Hello everyone. My story seems so trivial. But non-the-less traumatic for me.
I am a Survivor of childhood incest at the hands of my biological father.
I come from a “normal” family on the outside appearances. But one that is so very dysfunctional. Mom and Dad still married some 52 years now. I’m the oldest of 4 children (1 sister, 2 brothers). What everyone would consider the Great American suburban family. As far as I know, I was the only “Chosen” one. Oh, how lucky I was - NOT. My Dad always told me he wanted to be “my first” so he could teach me about sex. Guess he thought that was his job or something. I never understood that until I was an adult. There’s a word for it.
INCEST
Now the difficult part - I wouldn’t say I was raped (never any penetration even though he tried). But it is what he had me do to him with my mouth (no explanation needed) that still haunts me today. That was “our little secret”.
My earliest memories of this starts around age 9 through my teenage years. And, as if that wasn’t enough, whenever he would walk past me in the house (with family noticing) he would “tweak” or touch my breasts. I think, just to see if he could antagonize me. Both were so humiliating. Causes me anxiety to just write about it.
I am married (2nd marriage) to a wonderful man now for almost 15 years.
I have two children from my 1st marriage (29yr old son, 20yr old daughter).
I also have two grand-children, two boys ages 2yrs old and 9 months old.
My life has been a struggle of memories, emotional/mental disorders and finding the right balance with my family. I confronted both my parents almost 17 years ago. Then, cut my family out of my life to “recover”. Recently, I've started building those bridges again. Even told my father, I forgave him.
My Ex-Husband, my loving 2nd husband, and my children know what happened.
Yes, I am a Survivor, but the struggle continues
and this is my story ..
I encourage you to follow me
Open your eyes, as well as open your mouths. Incest is a silent destroyer of everything good and beautiful in life. Our children.
Posts
Congratulations sweetie in taking this giant step toward healing. I know just how hard it is to come out from under privately, and now publicly as you have done. I'm so glad being part of my Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER has given you the courage and strength to do this. Forge on in your efforts to help others who have been victimized as you were but have pulled yourself OUT FROM UNDER. I look forward to reading more and will share your blog on my blog roll. Kudos!
ReplyDeleteIndeed...much to be proud of here...breaking the silence and the grip that was held onto you in your life. Each step forward...will put the pain and anger a little further in the past!
ReplyDeleteHugs....
Thank you, skyangel5402. I'm finding that each post is yet another Visions of Rainbows. I love rainbows.
DeleteThis is a start in your healing, and am so proud of you for doing this. Going public is a hard thing to do, but it is very healing. I will be back to read more, and will share your blog on my blog roll..Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be writing publicly about something so personal or so incredibly sensitive. Thanks for sharing my blog. {{hugs}}
DeleteCongratulations on the healing that you are opening yourself up to. It won't be easy but you are worth the end result of being able to let go of the pain, anger,and fear that you can hold inside as a child. I have been writing my own blog Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker for 5 years now. Being able to share my story and my healing and to reach out to other survivors feels really good.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very strong person and I am proud of you for sharing your story to others. It is so personal yet you are not alone. The heeling process continues on each day in you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lynne for reading my story. Your support means alot. {hugs}
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