Selfish Rape of Me
This week has been difficult. Was in one of “my moods” off and on several times. Couple of people told me straight to my face, “You are being Selfish” and “You are only hurting yourself”. I’m sure I’ve been told this before; But this week it really stuck with me and caused me to ponder the meaning of selfish and selfless.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Definition of Selfish
1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
Definition of Selfless
1. having no concern for self
This week I was terminated from yet another job. So I took it very personal. Even when others told me not to. My definition of self seems be driven by how others see me or my successes/failures. Failed again. Couldn’t adjust and play well with others in the workplace. Technically, I had the skills and experience to do the job. Was perfect for me. But as in the past, it is never enough. So starts the voice inside again. You are nothing. You know nothing. You mean nothing to me or anyone else. Just a piece of soiled garment meant for one use and then tossed away. Yep, here I go again. Feeling sorry for myself. Why not? No one else ever does. So is that being selfish? Oh, that’s right. Others have it far worse than I do. Does that make it any easier for me? Hell no.
What I am trying to do is just this - having concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others. My own welfare. My own well-being. Thinking of me first. Yep, I guess I am being selfish. But on the flip side, this week, I have had no concern for self. Therefore, I was also selfless. My pent-up anger, self-defeating thoughts keep hurting me just the same as my father did with pain, embarrassment, shame. He took sex which should be an act of love between two consenting individuals and turned it into a disgusting, humiliating, obscene, repulsive expression of warped love.
Sometimes, I have to be selfish to get through difficult period in my life. Most people are selfish at some point. Is this not true? I withdraw, become negative, because that is the only way I know how to cope with disappointment and pain. I was so selfless growing up that now I’ve become selfish. Right or wrong, it is a part of me. I hate this part of me. What can I do? Raped as a child and now as adult I’m raping myself by sabotaging every good thing, every possible success. When does this horror show end?
As a victim of Child Sexual Assault and Incest, I never thought of myself as being selfish. I did some soul searching and discovered this week that the person being selfish was/is my father. He was seeking or concentrating on his own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for me. So, why am I selfish?? I am learning to make decisions for myself that affect my mental health and stability. I am discovering who I am, what I like/dislike, what I will allow or put up with. I am drawing a clear line in the sand between right and wrong. Or so I’ve been telling myself. Maybe, just maybe, I am being selfish.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Definition of Selfish
1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
Definition of Selfless
This week I was terminated from yet another job. So I took it very personal. Even when others told me not to. My definition of self seems be driven by how others see me or my successes/failures. Failed again. Couldn’t adjust and play well with others in the workplace. Technically, I had the skills and experience to do the job. Was perfect for me. But as in the past, it is never enough. So starts the voice inside again. You are nothing. You know nothing. You mean nothing to me or anyone else. Just a piece of soiled garment meant for one use and then tossed away. Yep, here I go again. Feeling sorry for myself. Why not? No one else ever does. So is that being selfish? Oh, that’s right. Others have it far worse than I do. Does that make it any easier for me? Hell no.
What I am trying to do is just this - having concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others. My own welfare. My own well-being. Thinking of me first. Yep, I guess I am being selfish. But on the flip side, this week, I have had no concern for self. Therefore, I was also selfless. My pent-up anger, self-defeating thoughts keep hurting me just the same as my father did with pain, embarrassment, shame. He took sex which should be an act of love between two consenting individuals and turned it into a disgusting, humiliating, obscene, repulsive expression of warped love.
Sometimes, I have to be selfish to get through difficult period in my life. Most people are selfish at some point. Is this not true? I withdraw, become negative, because that is the only way I know how to cope with disappointment and pain. I was so selfless growing up that now I’ve become selfish. Right or wrong, it is a part of me. I hate this part of me. What can I do? Raped as a child and now as adult I’m raping myself by sabotaging every good thing, every possible success. When does this horror show end?
As a victim of Child Sexual Assault and Incest, I never thought of myself as being selfish. I did some soul searching and discovered this week that the person being selfish was/is my father. He was seeking or concentrating on his own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for me. So, why am I selfish?? I am learning to make decisions for myself that affect my mental health and stability. I am discovering who I am, what I like/dislike, what I will allow or put up with. I am drawing a clear line in the sand between right and wrong. Or so I’ve been telling myself. Maybe, just maybe, I am being selfish.
I encourage you to follow me
Open
your eyes, as well as open your mouths. Incest is a silent destroyer
of everything good and beautiful in life. Our children.
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Sad as you are, sad as your blog is, I love reading it. What you are feeling is what so many of us feel when we're overwhelmed by life. Are we selfish if we feel sorry for ourselves? I don't think so. As you rightly pointed out, the selfish one was your father ... and mine ... and all those who abuse. They were the ones who were "seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others ". It is we who were selfless ... but only in a way when you really think about it. Why do I say something like that? Because by giving in to their demands we too were thinking about ourselves. But there's a huge difference: we had NO choice! Our abusers took that away from us. What we did was necessary for survival. And what kind of survival was it? One filled with nightmares, bad memories, negative feelings, especially about ourselves.
ReplyDeleteNo my dear, you are NOT selfish. You are doing what you must do so you can continue to heal and come out from under years of soul-destroying baggage. If that means that now and then you feel sorry for yourself, so be it. You must do that so you can get over feeling sorry for yourself and move onto the next rung and up the ladder to freedom: freedom from your past.
But what you must do most is stop telling yourself you are worthless, nothing. That was your abuser's way to justify his actions. That was his thinking. He was wrong. He was nothing and worse than nothing. Start telling yourself the opposite: that you are beautiful and good and worthwhile and deserve the best, not the worst.
Thank you, Cruiseroo. I will try to climb my ladder to freedom. I think maybe I'll be able to reach my Rainbow once I climb my Ladder. Hey, that sounds pretty cool!!! Gotta lot of work to do. Better get busy. Thanks!
DeleteSometimes we have to become selfish in ourselves to get through what we had to endure as a child. Now as the adult we need to take the time to look after ourselves. We didn't have that as a child, we were locked into a world that wasn't ours. As a survivor of incest, my father was the selfish one, putting his needs how twisted they were onto a little child who was innocent. Now I am selfish, by looking after my own needs, and that's ok. We need to do that, we need to feel that we matter, and we do, you do matter. You are number one here, and if it means being selfish, by all means do it. Look after your needs first, second and third, because it will make you feel better. You will find out that you are someone wonderful, that you can make decisions for yourself. Be you, be who you are..We are survivors and if it means being selfish then thats ok..big hugs to you..
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary. You reminded me that when I'm feeling selfish and sorry for myself; that is when I should take time for me. Baby me, console me, love me. Let me be me. Treat my wounds but know they are no longer wounds, but scars from past wounds which are healing. {hugs} to you too, dear Mary.
DeleteI have discovered that most people who tell me that I am being selfish mean that I am not paying attention to their needs. Guess what unless it is my children and sometimes my husband, their needs are none of my business. As a child, I was taught to take care of everyone else's needs but my own. I wasn't supposed to have needs according to my abusers. I was supposed to meet my dad's sexual needs and never have any needs of my own. I was supposed to meet my mother's emotional need to be protected so that she didn't have to feel and I was supposed to clean house, take care of my siblings and make good grades in school so I could be the hero that my parents could be proud of.
ReplyDeleteAs a survivor, I had to learn what my needs were, what my likes were and how to properly take care of myself. I had to put my needs first so that I could be present for my husband and children. That is not being selfish. If I am empty because of neglecting myself, I can't be any good to anybody. I like helping others but no longer at the expense of myself.
Thank you, Patricia. I haven't looked at it that way before. "If I am empty because of neglecting myself, I can't be any good to anybody". That is exactly it. I am neglecting myself every time I listen to and succumb to the negative thoughts. Why would I want to do that? Something for me to think about. Thank you.
DeleteThinking of you on your journey a healthy normal self as you rebuild your boundaries. Be a walled city - strong and fortified with an entrance that you control.... Open and close when and how you choose. I pray loved people will enter your life. You don't talk about your mother... Where was she through all this?
ReplyDeleteHi Christine. Thank you for your words of encouragement. You asked about my mother. Mom and Dad are still together. They’ve been married 52 yrs. You can read more about my anger with her in my post Forgive and Forget - Battles of the Heart. I realized recently the “hold” my mother has on my life. I’ve never really taken a hard look at the relationship Mom & I have. I think I always thought the abuse from & by the hands of my father was my only problem. But I’m learning that Incest has many layers of hurt and pain. Not only the physical abuse from my father, but also the lack of genuine Motherly love and comfort.
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