Forgive and Forget - Battles of the Heart
There’s a struggle going on between my heart and mind. I’m often told, “Just get over it”. Well, I’m trying. What seems so important to me is not so important to those in my family. Either I distance myself from them or they distance themselves from me. Why are their lives so much more important? They didn’t see or hear me as a sister/daughter growing up. What made me think that as adults things would be different.
A few weeks ago, I had a visit from my son and his family. They came in from out of town (living in another state) and I was so excited to see my 2 grandsons. But what should have been a happy time for me turned into an ugly struggle with me and my family. Couple of days before their arrival, Great Grandma (my mother) decided that since no one was throwing her a 75th birthday party, she would throw her own party. Suddenly what should be about me and my time with my grandchildren, turned into a “feel sorry” for Great Grandma.
My mother - let me describe her to you so you will get the whole picture.
She manipulates everyone. Youngest child of 2 girls born to the most loving couple I know. Her father, always referring to his wife as “his Miss America”. Her sister, and both parents passed away long time ago. So, my mother has only had her family for love & support. But when there is incest, denial, secrets, & toxic relationships, that is not much of a loving family unit. Mom is married to a controlling, angry, abusive, sick individual. Mom always kept silent because that is “old school way” of what woman/wives do. As Dad would continue to belittle her around family and friends, Mom just remained silent.
As my 2 brothers & 1 sister married, Mom remained in her lonely shell of a life.
You can see how unhappy she is and now she is finding her voice. A phone conversation now with her turns into a complaint about Dad & how miserable she is. Well, guess what Mom, you made your bed, now sleep in it. I have no sympathy for you.
Reasons -
You saw some of the molesting going on between Dad & me which you did nothing.
No one from the family came to my wedding because it was in another state, too expensive, and Dad was Deer-hunting. I am your oldest child. This would have been your first wedding. Looking back, my other siblings all had beautiful weddings which you supported & attended. Why was mine any different?
On the day my sister got married, I was in the hospital with Toxemia. My husband about to lose both me & the baby. You would not leave the wedding reception to sit with my husband, comforting him during a difficult time. PS.. My sister’s wedding was over & the reception nearing an end too.
Constant reminder of your disapproval of my divorce and how I could send one of my two children to live with my ex (their father). Reminding me “How can you just give-up your child?” Guess what, it wasn’t easy but I made it through and now my Son & I have a very close relationship because we talk openly. We have worked through the pain. You have not.
Now that I’m a grandmother and should be enjoying this new chapter in my life; You, mom, make it all about you. You offer to pay for a trip for you & me to visit the grandkids. When I say I’m unable to go, you decide “Fine, then I’ll go to Florida to visit my friends”. It wasn’t about me or the grandkids. You didn’t want to go alone and you didn’t want to spend another winter all by yourself with Dad and no place to go.
These are only a few reasons I have no sympathy for you or Dad. After soul searching I was able to let Dad know that I forgive him for the abuse. Forget - NO. I forgive him for many reasons; but the most important are these ..
"Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee." Exodus 20:12
"For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." Matthew 6:14-15
I am able to forgive because God, the father, has forgiven me of my sins. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. By the grace of God, someday I’ll be able to forget. I will honor my parents as much as I am able. I honor them by not making the same mistakes they made with relation to my children. I am open & loving, always speaking from the goodness of my heart. Building a loving relationship with them. My children and grandchildren will know how much I love them. Allowing them to live their lives and never condemning their behavior or decisions.
The battle between forgiving and forgetting rages within me. But my faith in God and the love of his only begotten Son, Jesus, will grant me peace to one day
Forgive & Forget.
A few weeks ago, I had a visit from my son and his family. They came in from out of town (living in another state) and I was so excited to see my 2 grandsons. But what should have been a happy time for me turned into an ugly struggle with me and my family. Couple of days before their arrival, Great Grandma (my mother) decided that since no one was throwing her a 75th birthday party, she would throw her own party. Suddenly what should be about me and my time with my grandchildren, turned into a “feel sorry” for Great Grandma.
My mother - let me describe her to you so you will get the whole picture.
She manipulates everyone. Youngest child of 2 girls born to the most loving couple I know. Her father, always referring to his wife as “his Miss America”. Her sister, and both parents passed away long time ago. So, my mother has only had her family for love & support. But when there is incest, denial, secrets, & toxic relationships, that is not much of a loving family unit. Mom is married to a controlling, angry, abusive, sick individual. Mom always kept silent because that is “old school way” of what woman/wives do. As Dad would continue to belittle her around family and friends, Mom just remained silent.
As my 2 brothers & 1 sister married, Mom remained in her lonely shell of a life.
You can see how unhappy she is and now she is finding her voice. A phone conversation now with her turns into a complaint about Dad & how miserable she is. Well, guess what Mom, you made your bed, now sleep in it. I have no sympathy for you.
Reasons -
These are only a few reasons I have no sympathy for you or Dad. After soul searching I was able to let Dad know that I forgive him for the abuse. Forget - NO. I forgive him for many reasons; but the most important are these ..
"Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee." Exodus 20:12
"For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." Matthew 6:14-15
I am able to forgive because God, the father, has forgiven me of my sins. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. By the grace of God, someday I’ll be able to forget. I will honor my parents as much as I am able. I honor them by not making the same mistakes they made with relation to my children. I am open & loving, always speaking from the goodness of my heart. Building a loving relationship with them. My children and grandchildren will know how much I love them. Allowing them to live their lives and never condemning their behavior or decisions.
The battle between forgiving and forgetting rages within me. But my faith in God and the love of his only begotten Son, Jesus, will grant me peace to one day
Forgive & Forget.
I encourage you to follow me
Open
your eyes, as well as open your mouths. Incest is a silent destroyer
of everything good and beautiful in life. Our children.
Posts
When your abuser is a male and you are a female with a mom who was a silent partner in the marriage and abuse, it is easier to forgive the abuser than it is to forgive and let go of the anger toward your mom. I have believed this for a long time. It was very true for me. I am reading a book called The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC.
ReplyDeleteHere is 2 quotes from the book on page 9, that validates my thoughts on the subject.
"We were made in her body, and we were made from her body. Then there is the psychological level where Mother is part of our personality, psyche, and structure. It's as if she is literally a layer of our being."
"How we are put together, how we see ourselves, our sense of self-esteem, our unconscious beliefs about relationship---all of these are strongly imprinted by our mother. She is not the only influence, but she and our interactions with her provide the basic building materials for all of these things."
Our mothers are a part of who we are, who we see ourselves to be. That is why doing inner child work is such an important part of healing. We have to learn to become our own mother when the mothering we got was either toxic or non-existent. Forgiving my mom for not "seeing" and stopping the abuse was much harder for me than forgiving my dad for the incest.
Thank you Patricia. This book sounds like one I should be reading. I've been through therapy to help deal with my father and the molestation which took place. But have not really taken a look at the other side of this abuse. My mother and how we connect (or disconnect).
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