Who am I? and Why don’t I fit in?
One would think that at age 51, I would be secure in who I am and where I fit in. But, again, today I find myself asking the same questions I asked many years ago as a child. What happened today is irrelevant but how I reacted is important.
Just like a spoiled child when they get spanked for doing something they should not have, the same feelings surface .. I don’t deserve this .. No one loves me .. I can’t do anything right .. I hate them all .. I’ll get them back for this .. Why try, they would be better off without me .. And the list goes on and on … Even as adult survivors of childhood incest, no matter how hard we try, it is never good enough. Instead of our parents spanking us, it is 1) family 2) our spouses 3) our employers 4) society OR at least that is how I feel once again today just like many other times throughout my life.
You may be thinking - “Oh grow up and get over it”. Geeze, like I haven’t heard that one before. May be easy for you, but not for me. I haven’t figured out Who I am and Where do I fit in. I’ve always felt .. 1) broken 2) incomplete 3) having to forever prove myself 4) ugly 5) unlovable 6) just not worthy of being accepted as a Child of God 7) lost at the onset of my birth.
Somewhere along the line of growing up, I DIDN’T grow up. When I should have been learning how to “play well with others in the sandbox”, I was too busy SURVIVING the sexual molestations and incest at home on an almost daily routine. Yes, surviving, not growing up. So now I have to at 51 grow up. How does one do this?? Why is this so hard?? Well, I could go back into therapy. Been there, done that, hasn’t helped me so far. Or I could just give up. But why, I’ve come so far.
God, the Father, has shown me that He will only give me what I can handle. Nothing more. He has also shown me that yes, indeed, I am a Child of God. And he has shown me that as such, I am NOT of this world. And that is why I don’t fit in.
It is not about growing up or learning to play well in the sandbox. It is about surviving yet another day, another year by the grace of God, and telling other Survivors that there is something worthwhile Over the Rainbow. This is who I am and this is how I make a difference - by NOT fitting in.
Open your eyes, as well as open your mouths. Incest is a silent destroyer of everything good and beautiful in life. Our children.
Just like a spoiled child when they get spanked for doing something they should not have, the same feelings surface .. I don’t deserve this .. No one loves me .. I can’t do anything right .. I hate them all .. I’ll get them back for this .. Why try, they would be better off without me .. And the list goes on and on … Even as adult survivors of childhood incest, no matter how hard we try, it is never good enough. Instead of our parents spanking us, it is 1) family 2) our spouses 3) our employers 4) society OR at least that is how I feel once again today just like many other times throughout my life.
You may be thinking - “Oh grow up and get over it”. Geeze, like I haven’t heard that one before. May be easy for you, but not for me. I haven’t figured out Who I am and Where do I fit in. I’ve always felt .. 1) broken 2) incomplete 3) having to forever prove myself 4) ugly 5) unlovable 6) just not worthy of being accepted as a Child of God 7) lost at the onset of my birth.
Somewhere along the line of growing up, I DIDN’T grow up. When I should have been learning how to “play well with others in the sandbox”, I was too busy SURVIVING the sexual molestations and incest at home on an almost daily routine. Yes, surviving, not growing up. So now I have to at 51 grow up. How does one do this?? Why is this so hard?? Well, I could go back into therapy. Been there, done that, hasn’t helped me so far. Or I could just give up. But why, I’ve come so far.
It is not about growing up or learning to play well in the sandbox. It is about surviving yet another day, another year by the grace of God, and telling other Survivors that there is something worthwhile Over the Rainbow. This is who I am and this is how I make a difference - by NOT fitting in.
I encourage you to follow me
Open your eyes, as well as open your mouths. Incest is a silent destroyer of everything good and beautiful in life. Our children.
Posts
Actually, as a survivor of the same incestuous and torturous childhood, I think you fit in perfectly with the rest of us who have gone through the same and come out on top by being brave enough at last to talk about it. Believe me, what you write could have been written by me! In fact, there's a similar theme running through MY VIGALAND POST HERE ie.. always taking on more than I should in some effort to feel worthwhile, to feel loved, to get approval. It's something I don't think any of us ever fully grow out of no matter how old we get. Remember, what is drummed into us as children, in this case, the need to please someone else, is near impossible to shake: it's now so ingrained. So believe me, you have lots of company on this one and you DO certainly fit in. Great heartfelt post by the way :))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cruiseroo for your words of encouragement.
Delete