Happy Birthday to Me
Today is my birthday. Lots to think about. I am a 52 year old Incest Survivor and still struggling. How is it that what happened to me so many years ago continues to affect so much of my life today?! Family members still do not understand this. I am supposed to grow up, get a life, get over it .. etc. With the fragmented childhood skills I’ve developed, just how do you suggest I do this?!
Areas I have problems in
Sexual relations with my husband
Healthy relationships with my children
Ability to hold a job
Self-Esteem and Confidence
Making and keeping friends
Looking back over the years, I’ve discovered a few things
I am different than my siblings
I have a loving kind heart
I love and cherish my children
I have courage & strength
What you see is what you get
Yes, the past is the past, and that is where it belongs. As well as my siblings & parents too. I have tried many times to re-build the bridge of our relationship. On again, off again. But I’ve discovered that I don’t really know you people. And I’m not sure I want to. Days, weeks, months and years go by without a phone call, card or letter, or even a knock on my door. But sure as shit, you will visit Dad (my molester) to see how he is doing and help meet his needs. Sure as shit, you call or visit Mom (the pacifist & blind accomplice) to see how she is doing and help meet her needs. You all have your perfect little lives, successful, happy, like I don’t even exist. Yep, just like when I was growing up. Daddy’s little girl (however I was the oldest) living in a family where I didn’t belong. Something wrong or different about me.
Why then, do I feel so miserable when I consider the thought of never seeing or communicating with either of you again?! There has been so much pain and I really want to start living the life God has planned for me. I deserve it. I don’t deserve the baggage of all the abuse. I don’t deserve this pain any longer. So, I’m going to put it where it belongs. On my siblings & parents.
As of today,
I am an orphan
I have no parents
I have no siblings
I choose today to decide who is in my life & who is not. My guess is this should be an easy transition. I don’t have much in common with my blood relatives. My husband, children, and grandkids are more important to me. They deserve the very best of me. I am no good to them with all this depressed baggage. Besides, I’m not very happy when I think about my parents or siblings. They will never give me what I need. Those childish thoughts must be forgotten. They didn’t provide me with what I needed as a child, how can they provide me with what I need as an adult?! Writing a new chapter in my life for me, my husband, children & grandkids. Let the dirty disgusting family secret about my sexual abuse be ON YOU. I am dropping the secret and dropping you.
Happy Birthday, to me!!
Letter to my parents
Good bye to you. You live in a zoo. Sounds like a song. Yep, it was a zoo and still is. Controlled by both of you. I no longer wish to be your daughter. So I’m saying good bye. Today is my birthday and what better way to celebrate it. Standing on my own two feet as I have for most all my life. Separate from your closed minded, unloving, unsupportive arms. Today is my public “coming out” day. Yep, I’m not hiding or being silent anymore. I know about Dad molesting me. You know about Dad fondling me. I won’t deny it any longer. It is what it is. Thank you for making me who I am today. I am stronger than either of the two of you because I see the truth, I acknowledge the truth, and I embrace the truth. You mean nothing to me, just as you showed that I meant nothing to you. I had no choice then; however, I do now.
Letter to my siblings
Good bye to you. Have fun running around taking care of Mom & Dad. Today is my birthday and I’m celebrating it without you. That is my gift to me. I no longer wish to be your sister. Today is my public “coming out” day. I’m no longer denying what happened to me. You all know Dad molested me. You all know Dad fondled me. I am done pretending. I’m done giving excuses for my behavior and my actions. It is what it is. Thank you for making me who I am today. I am stronger than any of you because I see the truth, I acknowledge the truth, and I embrace the truth. You have listened to me share with you the details of my pain. But you toss me aside like a leaper. Wanting nothing to do with me unless you need to fill a void in your life. Then, when I’ve been used again, you toss me aside. I feel sorry for you. You will never manage to be whole until you see our family for what it is. A totally dysfunctional abusive environment. And it still is today. Sibling #1 you hide in your perfect little world never to share it with children. Why? My guess is you can’t come to terms with your own childhood. Sibling #2 & #3 you drink to escape from your own demons. On the outside you have such lovely successful lives. But on the inside, I see three people who need professional help. But, who am I to judge. Anyway, Bye Bye. This is my “Swan Song”. I am a much better person than you will ever have the pleasure of knowing.
So, Happy Birthday to me!
I have made it this far
and there is a wonderful world waiting for me to explore.
I look forward to embracing my inner child and releasing the beauty that is within me.
Happy Birthday, little one!
You are loved!
Areas I have problems in
Sexual relations with my husband
Healthy relationships with my children
Ability to hold a job
Self-Esteem and Confidence
Making and keeping friends
Looking back over the years, I’ve discovered a few things
I am different than my siblings
I have a loving kind heart
I love and cherish my children
I have courage & strength
What you see is what you get
Yes, the past is the past, and that is where it belongs. As well as my siblings & parents too. I have tried many times to re-build the bridge of our relationship. On again, off again. But I’ve discovered that I don’t really know you people. And I’m not sure I want to. Days, weeks, months and years go by without a phone call, card or letter, or even a knock on my door. But sure as shit, you will visit Dad (my molester) to see how he is doing and help meet his needs. Sure as shit, you call or visit Mom (the pacifist & blind accomplice) to see how she is doing and help meet her needs. You all have your perfect little lives, successful, happy, like I don’t even exist. Yep, just like when I was growing up. Daddy’s little girl (however I was the oldest) living in a family where I didn’t belong. Something wrong or different about me.
Why then, do I feel so miserable when I consider the thought of never seeing or communicating with either of you again?! There has been so much pain and I really want to start living the life God has planned for me. I deserve it. I don’t deserve the baggage of all the abuse. I don’t deserve this pain any longer. So, I’m going to put it where it belongs. On my siblings & parents.
As of today,
I am an orphan
I have no parents
I have no siblings
I choose today to decide who is in my life & who is not. My guess is this should be an easy transition. I don’t have much in common with my blood relatives. My husband, children, and grandkids are more important to me. They deserve the very best of me. I am no good to them with all this depressed baggage. Besides, I’m not very happy when I think about my parents or siblings. They will never give me what I need. Those childish thoughts must be forgotten. They didn’t provide me with what I needed as a child, how can they provide me with what I need as an adult?! Writing a new chapter in my life for me, my husband, children & grandkids. Let the dirty disgusting family secret about my sexual abuse be ON YOU. I am dropping the secret and dropping you.
Happy Birthday, to me!!
Letter to my parents
Good bye to you. You live in a zoo. Sounds like a song. Yep, it was a zoo and still is. Controlled by both of you. I no longer wish to be your daughter. So I’m saying good bye. Today is my birthday and what better way to celebrate it. Standing on my own two feet as I have for most all my life. Separate from your closed minded, unloving, unsupportive arms. Today is my public “coming out” day. Yep, I’m not hiding or being silent anymore. I know about Dad molesting me. You know about Dad fondling me. I won’t deny it any longer. It is what it is. Thank you for making me who I am today. I am stronger than either of the two of you because I see the truth, I acknowledge the truth, and I embrace the truth. You mean nothing to me, just as you showed that I meant nothing to you. I had no choice then; however, I do now.
Letter to my siblings
Good bye to you. Have fun running around taking care of Mom & Dad. Today is my birthday and I’m celebrating it without you. That is my gift to me. I no longer wish to be your sister. Today is my public “coming out” day. I’m no longer denying what happened to me. You all know Dad molested me. You all know Dad fondled me. I am done pretending. I’m done giving excuses for my behavior and my actions. It is what it is. Thank you for making me who I am today. I am stronger than any of you because I see the truth, I acknowledge the truth, and I embrace the truth. You have listened to me share with you the details of my pain. But you toss me aside like a leaper. Wanting nothing to do with me unless you need to fill a void in your life. Then, when I’ve been used again, you toss me aside. I feel sorry for you. You will never manage to be whole until you see our family for what it is. A totally dysfunctional abusive environment. And it still is today. Sibling #1 you hide in your perfect little world never to share it with children. Why? My guess is you can’t come to terms with your own childhood. Sibling #2 & #3 you drink to escape from your own demons. On the outside you have such lovely successful lives. But on the inside, I see three people who need professional help. But, who am I to judge. Anyway, Bye Bye. This is my “Swan Song”. I am a much better person than you will ever have the pleasure of knowing.
So, Happy Birthday to me!
I have made it this far
and there is a wonderful world waiting for me to explore.
I look forward to embracing my inner child and releasing the beauty that is within me.
Happy Birthday, little one!
You are loved!
I encourage you to follow me
Posts
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! Happy Birthday to you indeed. Today you are being reborn by cutting the cords that haven't given you life but have instead been strangling you for most of it. Kudos dear survivor. Don'r slip back when you feel loneliness and longing creeping back in as they will on and off. Just keep reminding yourself that they pur the noose around your neck but you took it off and saved yourself!
ReplyDeleteViga
COMING OUT FROM UNDER
Thank you Viga. I have cut the cords with my family several different times in the past. This time, things are different, I'm different, my children are both adults now .. I have no reason that I can think of to continue this charade. There are no benefits to doing this. What people need to understand is that FAMILY, whether Child Sexual Assault happened or not, FAMILY can be so hurtful toward one another. In order for me to move on and put this anger and pain aside, I need to break free from everything that prevents me from doing just that.
DeleteWhat a powerful birthday proclamation of courage and growth in your post and your two letters. I wrote a letter to my dad's siblings when I was in my 40's telling them about the incest because several of them were wanting me as the oldest child in my biological family to step forward and help my dad sign up for Social Security when he hit his 60's. I refused and then told them why in my Dear Family Members letter which I shared on my blog sometime over the past few years. I read the letter to my mom and sent copies to my siblings the week before I mailed it to all of my dad's 10 siblings. I left it up to the siblings as to who they shared it with in the family. My dad was out of my life completely for 10 years before he died.
ReplyDeleteI know how much courage it took for you to write your two letters. Congratulations. You did it. You declared your freedom from an abusive family.
I hope you had a glorious birthday of celebrating you and your inner children. Have a glorious year of growth and healing.
Thank you Patricia. The two letters mentioned have not been mailed. I wrote what I wanted to say if I could say anything to my family. I read your Dear Family Members post and it is what gave me the idea to write my own. I am declaring my freedom one day at a time. I'm trying to keep my eyes fixed on the prize at the end of my struggle.
Delete