The Inner Voice of Anxiety
Struggling with anxiety/panic attacks is a daily battle for
me. Many things can “trip” them. On the
outside, I may appear to be “in-control”, a strong-willed individual, a
happy-go-lucky person; however, there’s a storm which continually brews just
below the surface – like a strong black pot of coffee.
Couple weeks ago, I discovered blood in the toilet after
going to the bathroom. This caused me
concern considering I’m in menopause. Saw my doctor immediately and he
scheduled a colonoscopy. Since I also had a lump on my neck which needed to be
drained/removed, the decision was made to combine both procedures. Because of my anxiety disorder, it was also
decided that I would need anesthesia somewhere between LOCAL and GENERAL.
I know, neither procedure was a life threatening one; but my
“inner voice” kept telling me otherwise.
Before the procedure, my “inner-voice” was speaking loud,
almost screaming, “There is something wrong with you. You’ve been bad, very
very bad. You must be punished”. I remember
the exact moment, I heard this voice. It was just before they wheeled me in to
the surgical room. I’m crying and very upset and panic stricken (just before
the 2 mg Versed kicked in). Where did this come from? Why am I relating what my
father did to me years ago with what is happening to me today?
This “inner-voice”, this “feeling” is so over powering. It
drives my anxiety attacks. It moves the direction and intensity of each wave
that overcomes me. It was at this very
moment that I realized just how much damage Childhood Sexual Abuse (and Incest)
can cause a person. I have gotten it in
my head that I am bad and bad things happen to me because I am bad. I was relating physical pain with my emotional
pain. For a moment they were
One. They were the same. BUT IT WAS JUST A FEELING. It was not the truth.
Once the procedure was complete and I was back in my room, I
no longer heard “the voice”. The doctor
told me I was fine. Colonoscopy was normal, and lump turned out to be a cyst
the size of a walnut. It was drained/removed.
All is well.
This is how panic attacks are with me. They come and go.
They toss me to and fro like a small boat during a storm in the vast ocean
waters. Sometimes I’m ready for them; Almost expecting them. Other times there’s
no reason; no warning.
“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize
this, and you will find strength.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
My strength comes
from recognizing my “inner voice”, what it is trying to tell me, and how to
silence it. I have power over it. I
didn’t have power over what happened to me as a child. But I’m learning to
control how it affects me as an adult. I must listen, feel, and “release” my
emotional pain of the past. There lies my strength.
The storm has passed. See the rainbow?
It’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.
And you are beautiful too.
© IAMicried
Visions of Rainbows
5/31/2013
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