Lessons My Father Taught Me
One week ago today I said my final goodbye to my father. R.I.P. Daddy. We've had many goodbyes over the years. But none more difficult. I thought I was prepared for this day. I thought I was ready. I even prayed many nights that he would die and go to hell for the pain of incest he caused me.
I remember vividly the day I sat with Dad & Mom telling them about the incest and looking for Dad to acknowledge what he had done. That day was the turning point for me and my recovery. That day I became a Survivor!
During the past week, I've struggled to grasp what my Dad taught me. The question "Why?" was at the heart of these lessons. Don't know if I will ever find the answer.
My Dad taught me
1) Life isn't fair
This is something I would need to know as an adult. I lost the "rose colored glasses" at an early age. Everything the media, society, church & religion teaches us about right & wrong was negated by one act of my father.
2) Love is painful
To love someone means being hurt by the same person. Movies and books tell such amazing stories about love. In "The Titanic" we see & feel the depths of love. Yet, there is always so much pain.
3) You can't trust anyone
For a child, trust is everything. We trust our parents to pick us up when we fall. We trust they love us. We trust they will never leave us. All of this is a lie to the child of incest.
4) Disappointment
I would always be disappointed in myself, in others and in the world in which I live. There is no pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. There is no prince charming coming to rescue me (or other victims of incest). There is no Good in the world; only Evil.
Without these lessons my father taught me, I wouldn't have become the person I am today. Full of strength, character, morals, conviction and LOVE. Yes, LOVE! I love my husband, my children and my grandchildren MORE than my father loved me. I cherish their lives and the joy they bring me. I've tried to NOT make the same mistakes with them. They will know that I love them, they will know they are very special to me, and they will know that TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. No more lies, no more hiding behind broken "rose colored glasses".
I still struggle every day with the pain of childhood sexual abuse and incest. Life isn't a box of chocolate. Some days, it is a dark room with no doors or windows. A prison with no possibility of parole. I was taught at a very early age, that life has no meaning; Life has no joy. There are days when the disappointment and pain of my childhood are so strong. And I feel like I can't live another day.
But today, I'm having a good day. Something keeps me going. Still on my journey of "Discovering Me". I can honestly say today, my father taught me to cry. I WEPT one week ago today for the father I never had, the lessons he taught me, and the father I never really knew.
I do hope, that my father has finally found peace; free from the demons that tormented him. R.I.P. Daddy!
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