The Beast Died 9-11-2014
Yesterday, I received a call from a family member telling me that my father (the beast) had passed away. Calmly I received the news. No tears. No anger. Just nothingness. Oh how I had prayed many times for this day. And now it is here. I'm finding it very different than what I expected.
I have had an "on-again off-again" relationship with my parents and siblings. Mainly due to the family dysfunction and the need to preserve my sanity. Childhood sexual assault and Incest doesn't end the day you move out of the home and become an adult. The assault stopped, physically; but the physical, emotional and spiritual effects never go away. I have my good days and my bad days. But life for me has continued to go on.
I guess what I'm saying is this .. upon hearing about the death of my father, I thought I would be celebrating. But I've discovered that there is an emptiness void of love that now fills me.
Then I read some of my posts here on Visions of Rainbows. I came across a Fathers Day post celebrating the important "men" in my life. So, today, the day AFTER my father left this life here on earth, I wish to share with you again this post. Not all men are like my father. And I thank God for that.
Today I celebrate these men.
~ IAMicried Sept 12, 2014
============== R E P O S T ==============
http://tomorrowsrainbow.blogspot.com/2013/06/fathers-day-2013.html
Happy Father’s Day!
Do I care if he thinks of me today? NO
He has taken from me something I can never get back.
So .. Today .. Father’s Day 2013 ..
My uncle -- Who was there for me on my wedding day when my parents chose NOT to be. My uncle walked me down the aisle, held my hand and kissed me. I remember the fun times as a child visiting him and my cousins. He is so full of life & joy.
My 1st husband -- The father of my son & daughter. What attracted me to him was his ability to make me feel special. I meant something to him. As a young 19 yr old, that was exciting. We were both young; maybe too young for what was ahead of us .. Marriage, children, struggles with my depression & trauma of incest. Too much for a young couple to deal with. But he was and is an important man in our lives.
My 2nd husband -- When we met, I was a single mother of two young children. I was struggling with depression, divorce, anxiety/panic attacks. I was a mess!! But out of the darkness I met a man, who, when no one else could help & understand me, took my hand, told me everything would be okay, held me when the flashbacks/panic attacks occurred and after 15 years remains with me. He is my rock! I would not be where I am today without his strength and love and support.
My son -- The father of my 2 handsome grandsons. I must have done something right by him; Because when I see him, his wife, & children together .. This is how a family should be. He loves his wife tenderly with his whole heart, he cherishes his children and time spent with them. My son is my pride & joy .. A good man I’ve helped by the Grace of God to create. Out of the ashes of CSA & Incest, My son gives me new direction and meaning to my life.
==========================
I have had an "on-again off-again" relationship with my parents and siblings. Mainly due to the family dysfunction and the need to preserve my sanity. Childhood sexual assault and Incest doesn't end the day you move out of the home and become an adult. The assault stopped, physically; but the physical, emotional and spiritual effects never go away. I have my good days and my bad days. But life for me has continued to go on.
I guess what I'm saying is this .. upon hearing about the death of my father, I thought I would be celebrating. But I've discovered that there is an emptiness void of love that now fills me.
Then I read some of my posts here on Visions of Rainbows. I came across a Fathers Day post celebrating the important "men" in my life. So, today, the day AFTER my father left this life here on earth, I wish to share with you again this post. Not all men are like my father. And I thank God for that.
Today I celebrate these men.
~ IAMicried Sept 12, 2014
============== R E P O S T ==============
http://tomorrowsrainbow.blogspot.com/2013/06/fathers-day-2013.html
Happy Father’s Day!
I will not be celebrating My Father today. It pains me to hear & see all the Fathers day wishes. Because of my father, my childhood was an unhappy ugly time in my life. A child of incest. I’ve loved/hated him. I’ve praised/cursed him. He is not/was not the father a little girl growing up deserves. Yes, because of him, I was born. But that is all!!!
Do I care if he is Happy today? NODo I care if he thinks of me today? NO
He has taken from me something I can never get back.
So .. Today .. Father’s Day 2013 ..
I celebrate the important men in my life and those good & decent men in my son & daughter’s life.
My uncle -- Who was there for me on my wedding day when my parents chose NOT to be. My uncle walked me down the aisle, held my hand and kissed me. I remember the fun times as a child visiting him and my cousins. He is so full of life & joy.My 1st husband -- The father of my son & daughter. What attracted me to him was his ability to make me feel special. I meant something to him. As a young 19 yr old, that was exciting. We were both young; maybe too young for what was ahead of us .. Marriage, children, struggles with my depression & trauma of incest. Too much for a young couple to deal with. But he was and is an important man in our lives.
My 2nd husband -- When we met, I was a single mother of two young children. I was struggling with depression, divorce, anxiety/panic attacks. I was a mess!! But out of the darkness I met a man, who, when no one else could help & understand me, took my hand, told me everything would be okay, held me when the flashbacks/panic attacks occurred and after 15 years remains with me. He is my rock! I would not be where I am today without his strength and love and support.
My son -- The father of my 2 handsome grandsons. I must have done something right by him; Because when I see him, his wife, & children together .. This is how a family should be. He loves his wife tenderly with his whole heart, he cherishes his children and time spent with them. My son is my pride & joy .. A good man I’ve helped by the Grace of God to create. Out of the ashes of CSA & Incest, My son gives me new direction and meaning to my life.
So, today, this Father’s Day, if you are struggling to celebrate the life of your father, I challenge you to find a male figure in your life that represents all that is important and good in your life. Remember them. Tell them they are important to you and why. Celebrate their life & the meaning they have brought to your life.
Happy Father’s Day!
God bless!==========================
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