Expectations and Disappointment
"We are disappointed with you”.
Words I’ve heard time and
time again. Maybe not in the same way each time. Different words; but same
meaning. My parents, my children, my
spouse, my friends, my co-workers, my employer .. I have failed them, each in a
different way.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache”. ~ William Shakespeare
This is so very true! I know
because I’ve had to deal with a lot of heartache in my life.
No expectations .. No disappointments. I don’t know if this is true or not; but life is full of both.
It’s not so much the expectations that I have; but the world is full of
expectations of me. I am who I am. I’m
not perfect. Not even close. What I haven’t learned (and I guess that is why
there is so much pain in my life) – What I haven’t learned is what to do with
the knowledge that I don’t measure up. I
could cry myself a river that leads to nowhere. That is how I’m feeling right
now.
It’s been said “Your failures do not define you”. But I beg to differ. Yes, they sure do. Each time I don’t
meet the expectations of my employer, I lose my job. Thus I’m defined as
UNEMPLOYABLE. Each time I reach out with
a caring heart and call my mother to see how she is doing .. I’m interrupting
her. For example, the other day I phoned to see how she was doing (Dad passed
away back in Sept). She didn’t even say “Hello.” She saw the caller ID,
answered my call, and said “This is not a good time. I’m watching Dancing with
the Stars.” I was just an interruption in
her life. It didn’t matter that I was
thinking of her. Oh, by the way, that was 4 days ago. She hasn’t called me
back. New definition here .. I’m defined as being an INTERRUPTION.
Now let’s take a look at
another definition. I’m a child sexual abuse victim or survivor depending on
which day it is or how I’m feeling. I was molested. I’m a victim of incest by
my father. This affects me every day. So, yes, sexual abuse DOES define
me. It is who I am. It is how I react
and interact with the world around me. Cracked as I may be, I have no
expectations. Only blurred pictures in my mind of a future that is out of
reach.
One picture is of a strong,
financially self-sufficient, independent woman.
But more & more I find myself being more dependent on my husband. He
is the extra steady hands that I don’t have because of my ever increasing
tremors. I have “essential tremors” which are getting worse with each passing
year. He is the positive thinker which
off-sets my pessimism. He is the
back-bone (physically & emotionally) that gets things done when I’m
incapable. Thank God, for my husband!
What defines ME are expectations and disappointments. For without them, I wouldn’t be a WHOLE
person. I would only be a shell of a person unable to see & feel the
realities of life. With eyes wide open, I face another day.
The storm has passed. See the rainbow?
It’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.
And you are beautiful too.
© IAMicried
Visions of Rainbows
5/31/2013
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