Anger and SELF Conversation
“Why did that upset me so much? Where is all this anger coming from? I shouldn’t be acting or feeling like
this. I’m at a neighbor’s BBQ, it’s
Saturday and I should be having a great time.
What just happened?”
Sometimes, just the fact that we acknowledge Who we are,
How we feel, and Why we feel this way is enough to bring clarity to the “gray”
areas in our lives.
Have you had a similar conversation with yourself? This just happened to me yesterday and I can’t
shake the thoughts.
My husband and I were at a neighbor’s BBQ having a great
time (as always!). After dessert, we sat
outside on their patio discussing the comings and goings of the people in our
condo association. What places are up
for sale, which ones recently sold, what are our new neighbors like.. Then someone mentioned that they thought “squatters”
had moved into one of the units or possibly it was being rented out. OMG.. I started seeing RED. I became so angry. Things like that really make me mad. People NOT following the rules or laws. People taking advantage of a situation.
After awhile, I started thinking.. Where is all this anger
coming from? Why did that upset me so
much? What just happened?
Before falling asleep in bed, I continued to think about
it. I wanted to know. I NEEDED to know. I have felt this way many times before. It wasn’t about who might be moving in in the
neighborhood. My anger and my idea of
how things are supposed to be often times gets me in trouble with bosses,
co-workers, family and friends. I
thought “I need to put a stop to this kind of thinking”.
So then, my next thought was, “Could this be a result of
my childhood sexual abuse?" Could
be. It has affected many areas of my
life. For me, things are either black or
white. There is no gray in my world. I
cannot function in gray. I don’t understand
gray. I get very angry when I don’t
understand something or if it doesn’t fit in the “black box” or the “white box”. Looking back, YES, there IS a lot of chaos in
my world because of this type of thinking.
Control >> My father had control over me and what
happened to me as I was growing up. Now,
as an adult, I feel this incredible need to have balance and “control” in my
life. When things are out-of-control or
when I don’t understand someone’s actions or opinions, my “system” goes on
over-load. TMI = too much
information. Does not compute.
Right & wrong >> What my father did to me
physically and emotionally was WRONG.
This gives me a basis for right and wrong (black & white box). It’s like there is a line drawn in the sand.
You don’t cross it. When you do, you are wrong.
How you got there would be that “gray” area. To me, that doesn’t matter. That doesn’t
exist. What matters most is which side
of the line you are on.
My husband is very laid back. Nothing really bothers him much. He does not understand my world of “black and
white” right or wrong. Sometimes he has
stopped my rantings (that’s what I do) to remind me that that is not how the
world goes round. He reminds me that “Life
is too short to be concerned over something you have no control over”. And each time that he has this conversation
with me I begin to wonder again.
I am different than other people because of my childhood
sexual abuse. CSA has changed my
life. I am NOT what I could have
been. Sometimes I think that I am NOT
what I SHOULD have been. But I am who I
am. It is WHAT I DO with this
information that can make “smooth sailing” or “chaos” in my life. It is up to me.
When you feel the ANGRY BEAST raise its head,
1)
Stop what you are doing
2)
Breathe and ask yourself “What just happened?”
3)
Consciously take a look at
a)
How you feel
b)
What do you feel
c)
When have you felt this way before
d)
What has happened when your felt this
e)
Could it be a result of your childhood sexual
abuse
4)
Then, decide, Do I want
a)
Smooth Sailing
b)
Chaos
The storm has passed. See the rainbow?
It’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.
And you are beautiful too.
© IAMicried
Visions of Rainbows
5/31/2013
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