STRANGER DANGER - What aren’t we telling our children?
Yesterday my husband & I attended our grandson’s 3rd
birthday party. It was a beautiful early fall day (leaves had not started
changing colors yet). Adults were
sitting around discussing different topics and filling-in each other on what’s
been going on since we’ve last been together.
Five children, ages 3 yrs to 7 yrs old, were playing in a park across
the parking lot from the apartment complex.
They were playing on the swings, digging in the sand, sliding down a
slide, and climbing a jungle gym. Doing all the things kids do when they
haven’t seen their cousins in a few weeks.
One of the adults questioned where all the kids were. Oh,
they’re playing at the park. Next, the discussion moved on to “Well, is anyone
with them?” “No, the kids are just right there.” said one adult pointing in the
direction of the playground. No one
could see the kids because of the vehicles parked in the parking lot, but we
all knew they were there because we could hear them. Then the question came up “What about someone
taking one of them? Shouldn’t an adult be with them?”. “No because we’ve
discussed ‘stranger danger’ with our son. He’s okay. He knows what to do”
another adult said.
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| Stranger Danger |
We talk with our children and drill-it into their heads
about “stranger danger”; but how do we prepare our children when the “danger”
is their own parent?
Safe Touching vs. Unsafe Touching
We tell our children what is safe touching and unsafe
touching. But when the violator is your parent, the child gets mixed
feelings. At least I did when my father
was molesting me. I grew up thinking
that this was how fathers show their daughters how much they love them. Being
molested meant being loved. I remember going to school events with my children.
They were being told to be very cautious around strangers. They were never told that “their grandfather”
could be touching them inappropriately.
The Sympathy Rule & The Attractive Rule
I didn’t realize that my father drew upon my emotions. One
day, he told me the reason he made a purchase.
“I bought the motor home because you said you liked it” Dad said. He
bought a camper because I liked it. What
else did he do because I said I liked it? I can remember feeling like I was
“His Favorite”. And he often told me
that, too, when we were alone. Dad always had Brach’s red & white
peppermint candies. “You like candy.
I’ll give you one of these, if you do this
to me.” Dad would say. There was always
a reward.
No Secrets
I tried raising my kids so that they could always come to me
and tell me anything. I would sit with
my daughter and we could talk about whatever would come up in the conversation.
During those moments, I made it a point to not lie about what she would ask
me. I thought honesty & willingness
to listen would keep my child safe. I thought I would develop a close
relationship with her. I don’t remember
important conversations like that with my parents. In our family, we had “secrets”. Dad used to tell me NOT to tell because
people would send him to jail & the family would be torn apart; not to
mention all the pain it would cause my mother. So much guilt placed on a child
just to keep “daddy’s little secret”.
What to do
When telling our children about
“stranger danger”, we explain what to do. Tell your parents. Well, that was
exactly what my father told me NOT to do. Now what? I could tell an adult at
school. But then they would have to tell my parents. Not an option. I could
tell a police officer. But then they would arrest my dad and our family would
be torn apart. Not an option. I ended up doing the only thing I could. I kept
“the secret”. I kept doing what we shouldn’t have been doing. I was in high school, home alone with dad one
day, and I said “This is wrong. I won’t do this anymore.” (Or something like
that).
I don’t remember the last time I
performed oral sex on my father. That was so many years ago and pretty
traumatic for me. But I do remember what my father said about my dating other
boys my age. I remember how dad made me feel as I started taking an interest in
boys, dating, & having sex. I even remember how disinterested both my
parents were when I brought my boyfriend home for dinner. My boyfriend asked my
father “for my hand in marriage”. Dad said “Don’t just take the hand. Take the
whole thing. And I’ll give you $100 if you’ll elope.” It wasn’t much of a
blessing. They never gave me a wedding. Yes, my boyfriend and I got married.
His family helped with most all of the planning. My parents never attended the
wedding. I was their oldest; their first
born. They never came to my wedding. Even today, this fact still upsets me.
The point
When we are teaching our children
about “stranger danger”, don’t assume anything. It is not our children’s
responsibility. WE are the parents. We
should be watching them in the parks. We should be holding meaningful honest
conversations with them on a regular basis. It is OUR responsibility to know
what is going on in our child’s life. It is our responsibility to raise
healthy, safe, well-adjusted children.
This is how we end the cycle of sexual abuse. Not just by telling them
about “stranger danger” and then believing that we have done our job as a
parent. Sexual abuse can & does
happen in the home to children by their own parents. We need to teach our
children that unsafe touching & emotional manipulation can come from a
parent or other family member. We must stop the sexual abuse of our children by
recognizing this fact.
I encourage you to follow me
Open your eyes, as well as open your mouths. Incest is a silent destroyer of everything good and beautiful in life. Our children.
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