COLLIDEoscope – KARMAscope
Tears rolling down face. Uncontrollable sobbing. Emotional
hurt & pain that cuts so deep you want to die.
Where is all this coming from?
Why am I so upset?
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| COLLIDEoscope, When pain from the past collides with the present |
I have tried to have a different relationship with my
children than I have had with my parents.
Or that is what I keep telling myself.
But could it be that I have the SAME kind of relationship.
Since 1996 (or ’97) when everything came out in the open
between my father, my mother and me, we’ve had an On-Again, Off-Again
relationship. Several times throughout
different stages in my healing I have severed relations with my parents &
siblings. I was the one who would work on reconciling and then, later, I was
the one cutting off all communications with them. Over the years, I’ve struggled to Be Happy. But
in reality, when I didn’t have any contact with my family, I was the
happiest. Maybe because when I DID have
contact with them, some part of healing
(& dealing) needed to be worked on. Who
doesn’t enjoy dredging up old feelings & thought-provoking childhood
memories?! Sometimes family functions can be more therapeutic than actual
Psychologist’s counseling sessions.
I’ve tried to be honest & open with my Son &
Daughter. I’ve made mistakes as a parent. I divorced their father in 1993 when
my daughter was 18 mos. old. I get the feeling at different times, that they
both blame me for the divorce and their bad childhood. As adults now, we’ve talked openly about what
they remember and how my childhood incest & molestation still affects me.
For me, it is more difficult to talk about it with my Son than it is with my
Daughter; because a few years ago, she was raped. We have that “sexual abuse”
connection.
Last week my Daughter told me that she’s pregnant. Then, yesterday, it was confirmed that she is
5 weeks pregnant. I don’t know the man that
my daughter is living with. Nor do I know what their plans are. She doesn’t
want to talk to me about it (They are not married). They have been together for
8 months and I know nothing about what is going on in her life. And it is
killing me.
Is it possible? Could it be true?
I do not have a relationship with my children that I
thought. I have the same kind of
On-again Off-again relationship. What I
have tried to prevent, a dysfunctional relationship, I’ve actually created.
Have I, in some way, become The Abuser?
When my Daughter can tell others just how happy she is about
expecting her baby; but she can’t or won’t have a meaningful conversation with
me, I wonder if this is how my Mother felt.
All those years, I prevented my family from seeing my children. All
those holidays my children missed with their relatives. The choices I made to
deal with & heal from my CSA. Is
everything coming to “bite me in the ass”?? Have I done more harm than good?
I love my children deeply. There are no words to describe
how l feel about them. I was overwhelmed
with joy when they were born. Ok, not right away with my Son because there were
medical complications. While in the hospital several days after he was born, I
realized I’d had a baby. But none the less, I have hugged my children when they
were hurting, kissed them when they felt unloved, worried about them when they
were sick, and prayed for them when the Spirit moved me. I miss the closeness, loving-connection with
my children. I suppose I thought I would always have that. But in reality, I
guess I don’t.
The feeling of unbearable emotional pain is excruciating.
It’s like when you get news of a dear loved one’s death. A void that can never
be filled. Did my mother feel like this when she didn’t hear from me for weeks,
months, and even years? Are there two types of punishment? Sexual abuse as a
child & a dysfunctional disconnect from my own children (&
grandchildren) when I’m an adult. My husband found me crying last night and
asked me what was wrong. We talked about it for awhile. Then it occurred to
me. The words came out of my mouth as if
my inner-child was screaming to be heard. “I miss being a Grandma”.
My husband has 2 grandkids of his own. His daughter from a
previous marriage lives an hour away from us. He is reconnecting with her and
having a wonderful time getting to know his grandsons, ages 5 yrs old & 3
yrs old. My son & his wife have 2 boys, same ages, and a third on the way
next month. They have always lived thousands of miles away from us. But they
try to visit us every couple years. I enjoy every chance I get to see them.
Which is never enough, if you ask me.
Stop. Redirect. While I was writing this, my phone rang.
What are the chances?! It was my mother. She called because she has decided to
throw her own birthday party (again!). She had questions about a restaurant
that she had a “coupon” for. Wondered if I had heard about this restaurant because
it wasn’t too far from where my husband & I live.
Here I go again. Guilt, emotional pain, tears. She cannot
hear how I’m feeling on the other end of the phone. We haven’t spoken since
July when there was a family gathering because my son & his family were
visiting from out-of-town. Why does she
do this? I don’t think she realizes what she does. It’s never “I was thinking
about you. So I called.” Selfish motives. Always a motive. Her reality is so
warped. Each word she spoke, I carefully processed like I was living outside my
body. Do I sound like that when I call my kids? Do I sound like I have a
“motive”?
Anyway, back to what I was writing about. I miss being a Grandma. I miss having my
children in my life. The pain of it all,
creeping back inside. Tears flowing again. So this is how it is going to be.
My past is painful. My present is painful. And now it
appears that my future will be painful as well. Have I created a monster? Am I
living the nightmare that my mother lived for years because I chose to build
walls between me and her?
My daughter & her boyfriend live 20 min from our house. She is going to have a baby. I may not like
her lifestyle or situation; but she is having my grandchild. I need to be connected to the future & my
grandchild.
When I look back over my life, I see many life events that
I’ve missed.
Each one a joyful part of life, and I’ve missed every one.
- H.S. prom and homecoming, never asked to or attended
- High School Graduation, fell seriously ill the morning of graduation
- Big wedding & reception, my family chose not to attend
- Birth of my son, medical complications, no one sat with husband, sister’s wedding more important
- Son tells me, over the phone, he is getting married & I meet his bride on the day of the wedding
- Daughter comes & goes in & out of my life like a tidal wave
- Grandchildren born but I’m not there to hold them as infant
I can’t bear the thought of not having my kids &
grandkids in my life. But I fear that what I’ve tried so hard to prevent
(dysfunctional family) is blossoming into a full-bloom nightmare. Karma DOES come around and bite you in the
ass.
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