An Eye For An Eye Leaves You Blind
As I watch the news savoring my morning cup of coffee, I ask myself:
“What the h3!! is happening to our country (or the World) today?!
So much violence & hatred.
Has it always been like this?
Growing up in a suburb outside of Milwaukee, Wi in the 1960’s was during a turbulent time in our nation’s history (or so I’ve been told). My world, at the time, consisted of playing with the neighbor kids outside, riding my bike all throughout our tiny town, going to school, fighting with siblings (as kids sometimes do), and deciding what I wanted when the Sears Christmas Catalog arrived.
I was taught:
* to be quiet – children are to be seen, not heard
* respect adults and do what you are told
* eat what is put on your plate, or get sent to bed
* do well in school – C’s not acceptable, A’s and B’s only
* if something can’t be done right the first time, don’t do it at all
But no one taught me that what my Father was doing to me was wrong or inappropriate.
I had to learn that all on my own.
SEXUAL CONTACT BETWEEN
A FATHER AND DAUGHTER IS WRONG!
My Father routinely reminded me that he wanted to “be my first” and teach me about sex. I thought that this was normal. I thought that is how everyone else learns about sex. But when I watched a “Sex Education” movie at school (not sure if it was Junior High or High School), I was taught something completely different. They weren’t talking about what happens between a father and daughter. I remember girls watched the movie in one half of the gym and boys watched the movie in the other half. And, I remember all the giggling.
As I got older, married, had children of my own; I needed to heal the part of me that my Father taught me. At the same time, I wanted revenge. There was so much anger (and still some anger today) toward my Father. He took my childhood and twisted it for his own perverted pleasure. UGH! Still makes me want to throw up.
Many nights, as an adult, I dreamt of committing a hateful revenge to my Father. I would pray to the God Almighty, to bring death upon him. BUT, I never acted on my thoughts. Something inside must have stopped me. Something inside must have prevented me from harming him physically.
What is REVENGE? Payback, retribution, retaliation, vengeance; these are just a few words connected to the meaning of revenge. As I say these words out loud, images of the “evening (or morning) news” cross my mind. This is what our world and society are going through. Revenge for pain and suffering of generations of people long ago, as well as, for the agony that people are going through today.
Great men have spoken about revenge.
“If we do an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, we will be
a blind & toothless nation.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Both men knew about the struggles toward payback & retaliation for their suffering. But neither took the path of angry, physical, violent revenge that we see happening today. Had I done something violent to my Father because of the molestation, rape and mental humiliation & shame he caused me; I would not have been any different and it would not have changed a thing.
There are different types of revenge. The best revenge that I’ve found is to:
* Heal myself, my words & thoughts, and my memories
(still working on latter one)
* Reduce the amount of time spent with him.
Cut the toxins out of my life even until his death 9/11/2014
* Tell my story, be truthful, and inspiring for other Survivors.
Take the negative and do something positive with it.
My Father & I had a conversation about what he did to me and the effects that it has had on me. I recall him saying he was sorry. He had no idea what he’d done had so much effect on my adult life. Not sure if he meant what he said. Frankly, doesn’t really matter.
Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse may never get the apology we deserve. But we all must go on. We all must be loving and kind and respectful toward others. We all must show compassion even where there is none. Our country cannot and will not survive the mass destruction of life and property caused by anger & revenge for something that has happened many years ago. I am not saying that Sexual Abuse Survivors are causing the destruction of our country. But I am saying those harboring anger and revenge ARE destroying our country. I would not have survived the abuse my Father perpetrated if I had succumbed to the anger I felt.
An Eye For An Eye Leaves You Blind
There will never be an apology that can fix the problems in our lives caused by Childhood Sexual Abuse and Incest. Yes, it would be nice to receive an apology. But sometimes, we never get one. Then what?! Life still goes on. Do you wish to become blind and filled with rage? Or would you rather search for AND SEE the beautiful rainbow before you?
The storm has passed. See the rainbow?
It’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.
And you are beautiful too.
© IAMicried
Visions of Rainbows
5/31/2013
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