Depression Strikes Again

Let me try to explain what I’m going through.  As a child being sexually abused by my father, I’ve learned (ok, groomed) to believe that I’m irrelevant and the world is a cruel place to live in.  That started almost 50 years ago.  Since then I’ve been through counseling, in-patient care in mental hospital, on meds, and healed some. 

Has anything changed?  No!  I continue to have issues with trust, love, anger, depression, (just to name a few).  Situations in life that most people would not even think twice about, can set me spirally through a whirlwind of emotions and finally into a deep, dark abyss of depression.  This has happened many, many times. 

As a Victim of incest (or maybe I should say Survivor), my ideas of right & wrong ARE black & white.  If a law says don’t do something, I won’t for fear of tickets, legal issues or jail.  If a rule in a condominium where we live says homeowners can’t do something, I abide by it.  Don’t want trouble.  STOP MEANS STOP!  NO MEANS NO!!  Just how I feel. 

So when we retained an attorney to deal with issue of a homeowner in our association, I thought things would resolve themselves according to the rules under which we live.  But I’m learning (again!) that people do whatever the hell they want to without any regards to others.  Our counsel has informed us that it will get complicated, and the Board of the Association can enforce the rules, not enforce them, or change them all together.  So we are back to square one with a big decision.  Do we proceed with litigation?

I am so upset!  Again I feel invalidated, insignificant and irrelevant in a world where values & morals mean NOTHING.  I cry from the deep dark abyss of despair and my inner child is screaming “This is just not fair!  What about what I want??”  People around me don’t understand why this is so difficult for me and why I react the way that I do. 

It is because of the way I was raised to think. All the child-like feelings come rushing in and I can’t stop them.  I am so tired of the battle of life.  If I hear one more person say to me “Just get over it” or “Stop acting like a child” I’m going to spit in their face.  There is so much rage, hurt, despair inside me.  It is like a wave on the ocean.  I can’t stop it. 

Why doesn’t anyone understand that I MATTER!  MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE JUST AS VALID AS YOURS!  MY LIFE HAS VALUE SAME AS YOURS!  

IAMicried
February 10, 2018