ANXIETY OF FAMILY GATHERINGS
Family gatherings always seem to cause me anxiety. Everyone in the family knows what my father
did to me. Each of them have their own
thoughts on the subject. Mostly, no one talks
about it now. That is the past. I’ve dealt with facing the truth, acknowledging
the pain, confronting my father and explaining everything to my mother. But for some reason, when we get together for
birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays, I become so anxious that I have problems
sleeping, nightmares return, and my mood changes.
For example, my Son, his wife and their two boys are coming
to visit from out-of-state. They will
only be here for couple of days. There
is a family BBQ being planned so everyone in the family can get together. No problem. It’s what we do. But I can’t stop thinking about family
gatherings that we’ve had over the years.
The day my Son got married.
It was a beautiful day, very hot, and very exciting for me. I hadn’t seen my Son for a couple years. I couldn’t wait to see him. Had never met his bride. Wondered what she was like and if we’d become
friends. She was (is) beautiful inside
and out. I had been on the “outs” with
my mother and brothers & sister. So
was very anxious about how the reception would be. Yes, there were tears. Mom never fails to surprise me with her judgments
and painful words. Always criticizing
and hateful. Sometimes it is just a
look. She doesn’t have to say
anything. Not sure what she said to me
that day at the reception, but off I ran, crying. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. But why should it be easy? I was (am) the daughter who disappoints
everyone. I was (am) the one who sent
her Son to go live with his father because I didn’t want him to hate me or
blame me for the divorce. How could a
mother give up a child like that. Thus,
it kept my mother from enjoying time (years) with her grandson. I’ve never amounted to much. I’m not
successful. I’m not wealthy (always have
had financial problems). I’ve struggled
and struggled JUST TO BE.
Boy, how time flies. Flash forward to next week. Two
grandsons and the third on his way in November (2015). I am so thankful to see my Son and his
wonderful family again. Another family
gathering. Things are a little different
this time. I’ve been talking and doing
things with my 2 brothers and my mother.
Working on our relationships and deciding what type that will be. Painful as it is, I’m glad to have them in my
life. My sister and I – well, that is
another story. I’m not so sure we can
have a healthy relationship. I remember
what went wrong.
It was the day when I was voicing my opinion about my mother during a previous visit from my Son & his family. SEE POST Forgive and Forget - Battles of the Heart Wow! That was 3 years ago! She hung up on me on the phone. I still feel the rage that I had. How dare she?!? Like she hasn’t complained about Mom. Oh, but wait, she is the “good” daughter. She is the “successful” daughter. She has never been a thorn in my mother’s side. She reeks of perfection.
It was the day when I was voicing my opinion about my mother during a previous visit from my Son & his family. SEE POST Forgive and Forget - Battles of the Heart Wow! That was 3 years ago! She hung up on me on the phone. I still feel the rage that I had. How dare she?!? Like she hasn’t complained about Mom. Oh, but wait, she is the “good” daughter. She is the “successful” daughter. She has never been a thorn in my mother’s side. She reeks of perfection.
How will this gathering go? Same as the rest. Lots of drinking. Few laughs.
And big sighs of relief once we get into our cars and pull out of the
driveway on our way home. So much still needs to be said. So much pain needs to heal. So many more tears need to be shed.
Do I have anxiety about getting together with my family? Yes!
Do I cry and have sleepless nights full of nightmares? YES!
Do I have the strength to embrace my dysfunctional family?
OH HELL YES!
Because I know who I am, I know what I’ve endured, and I know that I am loved. Yes, loved, by my husband of 17 years; by my children; and by my grand-children. The past is the past. But my eyes are focusing on the future.
OH HELL YES!
Because I know who I am, I know what I’ve endured, and I know that I am loved. Yes, loved, by my husband of 17 years; by my children; and by my grand-children. The past is the past. But my eyes are focusing on the future.
It’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.
And you are beautiful too.
© IAMicried
Visions of Rainbows
5/31/2013
I encourage you to follow me
Posts
Comments
Post a Comment