Heal The Secrets That Keep You Stuck

Ever feel stuck? Not moving in your healing journey from sexual abuse? That’s how I feel today. We are told, over and over, to be authentic; Embrace who you are. I find that to be difficult to do. We can embrace who we are only to the degree of our healing from sexual abuse. With each year that passes since telling my mother about the abuse & confronting my father, I wonder whether I’m healing or not. (roughly 20 years)

For example, I recently traveled with my husband, my mother, & my sister to visit my son and his family for a weekend.  I was so excited to get the chance to see my grandchildren.  But this excitement was only temporary.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I enjoyed my grandchildren, and time spent talking with my son & his wife.  But my brain must be wired so that this enjoyable event was over-shadowed by unenjoyable time spent with my mother & sister.  

Every night I would return to our hotel room angry & upset about things said or done during the day.  Mother’s unapproved eyes and comments.  Sister’s way of grabbing a situation and focusing it on her & being a “great-aunt”.  Snide remarks meant for my ears only.  Hurtful, painful reminders about displeasure and “tit-for-tat”.  And each morning I rose to begin another round of pain and anguish.  

So where is the healing? 

Haven’t I suffered enough?

One thing I’ve tried to do since the trip is have discussions with my inner child. She is still so hurt and angry about not having a father with morals.  One who didn’t treat me as a slut during my teenage years.  One who didn’t make me stroke him until he was hard enough to ram his cock into my mouth.  Swallowing to hide the evidence of the juice he sprayed.  As I write this, all the memories come flooding back.  Stop! Stop! I don’t want you to do this anymore!I scream from inside.  Tears running down my face. 

My inner child still craves the love a mother should give her daughter after she discovers the abuse she has endured.  But no loving embrace.  No gentle wiping of the tears.  No kind words of encouragement.  Only displeasure, disgust & disappointment.  That’s all I remember from my mother during our weekend trip.  3 long painful days spent watching her with my grandchildren.  The matriarch of a totally dysfunctional family.  

Today is a new day.  The past is in the past where it belongs.  Or so I try to tell myself.  To keep it there I must have daily conversations with my inner- child.  I call this person July.  I’ve written previously about my “imaginary” friend, July. 

Blog Post: Somewhere Over The Rainbow 

Something I’m noticing is just how negative I am.  I dislike this part of me.  As I’m discovering this about myself, I’m seeing my mother & father in me.  What I mean is, I see parts of their behavior in myself.  For years, I’ve sworn that I would never be like my father; negative about life, closed-minded, lazy, controlling, and selfish.  Wow!  When did these characteristics take over my personality?  I have found my voice and speak out about my childhood & sexual molestation.  But have I opened another door toward my own negativity & selfcenteredness?  I must look at this & work diligently to correct this behavior. 

Now that I’m a mother & grandmother, I think a lot about my past and the raising of my children.  I have a son and daughter.  Two different decades and two completely different individuals.   I wasn’t a very good parent.  I made mistakes.  I see that now.  I was dealing with my own issues; depression, anxiety, recovering from my own CSA, divorce, single-parenthood and the list goes on. 

The relationship that I have (on again, off again) with my own mother and my siblings is much like the relationship that I have with my own daughter.  Sometimes I think that we will never have the mother-daughter relationship that I’ve always wanted; close, loving, supportive and accepting of each other.  I know that it takes two and both of us are dealing with our own demons, but I never dreamed that her journey would be so similar to mine (just my opinion).  Maybe someday our journeys will meet “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.  

It’s true.  We are all connected in the great circle of Life.  Getting to know myself, JULY (my inner-child), and others in my family are instrumental steps in my healing process from a childhood filled with sexual abuse.  It doesn’t matter the severity of the abuse.  The process remains the same.  (again, in my opinion) 

Ever feel stuck?  Not moving in your healing journey from sexual abuse? 

Then you have work to do.

Do the work.

Get to know yourself.

You may be surprised to find out just how amazing you are. 



The storm has passed. See the rainbow?

It’s beautiful. Life is beautiful.

And you are beautiful too.

© IAMicried

Visions of Rainbows

5/31/2013

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